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Postby Gorble on Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:25 pm

So had a movie night, Bloodrayne: Third Reich, The Warrior's Way, Red Riding Hood, and Cross. Bloodrayne was as laughable and nausea inducing as an Uwe Boll film can be expected. The only upscale he decided to include tits, lesbian sex, and a single last second shacking up of the Rayne and the other "protagonist". Not much of an upscale at all, but better than the second movie which didn't include any tits in the wild west while featuring the pedo vampire, Billy the Kid...

Ahem anyway. BloodyPain: Third Retch was the expected stinker of the night since Uwe remains Uwe. Instead he was outdone by Cross. A movie we got expecting relatively low budget campy super hero movie. Spoilers will be ahead so stop now if you foolishly want to watch this sucker without them.

So the plot, as convoluted as it is, goes as follows. An ancient Egyptian staff is unearthed that when powered by the bloodlines of the gods can eradicate every human on the planet. Cross or Callan, our 'hero' runs a rogue mercenary group that is dedicated to shooting all the criminals in the city, oh and saving randomly missing women, well only one and three at the end.. the other dead ones are um... unfortunate? He wears one of many mystical crosses on a necklace that grants superpowers so the wearers can fight the Darkness. It makes him like a poor man's green lantern with a body force field that can stop bullets and force blasts... to start with.

We are introduced to characters and locations with helpful little pop ups, giving us names and occupations. Cross's team includes far too many people for it to ever matter and who don't serve any purpose other than random people to pad out with action sequences.

Riot & War: A pair of brothers. Riot gets the distinguishing feature of getting shot in the head at the climatic final fight by random thug only for it to be shown that the round grazed his head apparently.

Shark: Close combat expert and 'gambler'. Does he ever show any form of gambling? No. His close combat expertise is featured in his initial intro and finishing off thugs in random end action. His chosen cc of choice? A pair of fighting sticks that seem more like drumsticks. Heck his most distinguishing feature was that colorful shirt he wears throughout the entire movie under his leather jacket.

Backfire: Explosive expert and comedian. He barely cracks a joke or really does any funny bits. His explosives? Light up blue balls... That he takes out from a special tube on his jacket. Despite being the demolition expert he doesn't make his own, uses them to kill people one on one (his highest kill count is three), nearly blows himself up in the end fight against random thugs, and unlike Shark who spends most of the movie capping people with headshots with a pistol the guy has no backup weapons.

The two blondes: I literally can't remember their names or any meaningful dialogue from them. One I think is a communication expert for the team and the other's a sharpshooter. I think the sharpshooter wore cowgirl chaps...

The sniper: Random black guy that shows his sniping skill once to save random teammate in a jam and wades into close combat with an assault rifle for the end fight against random thugs.

The techie: the guy who apparently arms the team, makes Backfire's balls, and seemingly creates weapons and ammo from thin air as this merc team cleaning up the city isn't being paid by anyone...

Cross's Daddy: Former wearer of the cross who dies, while wearing the magic forcefield projecting artifact to several bullets in the back. He stumbles in and gifts it to his son with his dying breath. No explaining how he was killed or why. Apparently magic bullets were used since while there are bloody cross shaped holes in the back of his shirt he has no wounds.

Zoey: Cross's love interest sharpshooter team mate shown only in flashback because she was randomly shot and killed on some mission. No the shooter is never shown and her death is only there to give Cross more of a tortured past and keep him from straight up smashing pelvis's with the love interest introduced randomly in this movie.

Sunshine, the love Interest: She trains self defense and after Cross steps in to help her with a pair of random male pigs in a bar immediately sets about trying to do the nasty with Cross. Seriously... the friend she was with leaves without her, Cross (who had been drinking) drives her home, cept her keys are in her friend's car. So they go to Cross's place, where she strips down to her underwear... Thankfully Cross is nice enough to draw her into a random stakeout at a bar so she can be kidnapped for the final fight.

Police Detective: One man tracking Cross's team, who despite being as callous as bull's in a china store are some how seen as an urban myth with no evidence existing of them... despite the eye witness testimony in the very beginning of the film, bullet casings, likely multiple security cameras, etc. Of course the rest of the police force believe he's wasting his time and if these dangerous vigilante's shooting up the street exist why they're doing such a fine job of executing criminals. Due process can suck it.

Gunner: An immortal Viking and the apparent villain despite the crime boss that Cross's team has to deal with through most of the movie. This guy was cursed to be the last man on Earth, so he figures okay "I'm bored and want to die now." No we aren't given any motivation why he wants to eradicate all humans other than he wants to die now. So besides being immortal and thus bulletproof, he also has super speed. He uses this to easily snatch Cross's trademark item of power, robbing our hero of his only distinguishing abilities. Of note is the fact Cross straps on a bulletproof vest this time before trekking out as if he subconsciously is aware how he'll lose his powers of bullet repelling. The viking also has hypnotic mind control which he uses to make random scantily clad black chic chant some ancient spell necessary to start up the staff.

The Egyptian staff: So this thing needs blood from the descendants of the gods, that must be loaded in special pop can sized bottles that snap into the staff. The staff then has to be loaded into a special altar and a random black shic has to chant the spell. Think that last part is made up? It can't be otherwise there's no reason for her to be there. Oh and the gods they use. Not the Egyptian pantheon. Nope we got Hera, Poseidon, Morpheus, and Ares. Why?

Final battle: Lots of random thugs being shot. For the most part this superhero movie just has a body count. Our heros wade in with vests and a comical amount of guns in some cases to take care of pistol totting gangers. The Viking sets off his doomsday device because Cross's blood was the final one he needed... a fact he already knew. Specifically taking the cross to ensure that Cross would come for him... So the world is bathed in red light which causes all the actors to fake being in pain by moaning and occasionally jerking about. Which is our first indication that despite dropping like a poleaxed moose Riot is still alive after being SHOT IN THE HEAD! Thankfully Gunner decides to chew the scene for a bit happily stating how when Cross shoots him he can actually feel pain again. Though despite multiple pistol rounds to the chest nothing actually happens. Shooting the glass vials of course doesn't occur to our hero until more mugging ensues, but sadly that is for naught as the staff is protected by mighty plot convenience. So all is lost until in a flashback Cross's dad reveals a super secret chant to activate some more of the cross's power. So he speaks the chant and fortunately he just needs to be near the cross and not wearing it. So the cross spews out glowy green energy that allows him to fight back against the red light. Standing up drunkenly and taking back the cross with little effort. He lurches to the staff and decides to plug the top of the staff emitting the red light with his green energy thus shorting out the magical artifact.
Gunner is displeased that his almost successful death has been thwarted but since he's immortal and invulnerable again he states that he can just try again and there's nothing Cross can do. Cross retorts with a mighty "Oh yeah?!?" and summons up mighty plot convenience power, channeling it in a disintegrating blast directly from the cross necklace hanging from his chest.
So the movie ends with the police chief once again being shown to be incapable of proving that Cross and his team exist... somehow. Cut to Cross displaying a new ability of creating a green force barrier to cover his entire team as they stride forward in broad daylight guns ablazing... our heroes?

It was painful, boring, and bloated. It had too many actors for no reason, played out like some beginning director's attempt at a tv series pilot, and makes little sense of why things happen.
"Why do angels always look like that?"
-Room mate
"God isn't very inventive."
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